I know, it’s such a stupid question and usually, I refuse to talk about my masculinity because it’s not up for debate or opinion. My masculinity is wholly owned by me and no one else. No one gets to comment on it.
However, with that said, there is a bigger picture here. And there is some truth to the fear. Make no mistake about it, the fear is the message that is being sold to young men and boys. It’s being used to “red pill” or turn people to the “manosphere”, a term that is as dumb as any other. But let’s dig in.
Men are identified by their profession, and it’s compounded by the amount of money they make. Right or wrong, that is how many men are judged by all genders and by ourselves individually.
Then other things can be the core of who we are. I take great pride in being a father. So much so that I gave up everything so that I could be the one to raise my kids. Although I may be in the minority in the parenting world as an at-home dad, I am not when it comes to the pride I take as a father.
Both these things are true of men in today’s era. Right or wrong, it’s a universal truth on how men are judged. Then what we see in our world makes us afraid.
What Can Be Taken Away
It is rare now that any of us, mothers or fathers, will stay at a company for the entirety of our careers. The days of working 40 years for a gold watch and a pension are long gone.
Through layoffs, downsizing, bankruptcies, and a mired of other capitalist reasons (again, not right or wrong), a stable profession for decades is no longer a possibility. What young men see, and boys, is that something that our worth is judged on can easily be taken away because of numbers on a spreadsheet.
Now we move into the realm of fatherhood, and the message does get more bleak. Divorce is as destructive as any job loss. And what we are told as men is that we will not get full custody or even split custody. There is some truth in that as well as the national average is about 35% of 50/50 custody of children between moms and dads. It varies state by state, but the numbers don’t look good at all. There are reasons for this, for example, moms typically are the primary caregivers. That shouldn’t mean that the “weekend dad” should be the norm though. As I’ve pointed out throughout most of my writing, there are real tangible benefits of having an involved father. Add in systemic racism, over-policing, and the patriarchy, and the numbers are worse.
Add to the recent stat going around that 80% of divorces are instigated by women, and the future for men looks bleak.
So again, something that our worth is defined by looks like it can easily be taken away.
Finally, there is this impression that our very lives are taken away, our last ounce of worth. Men die in war, take on the more dangerous jobs, and commit suicide at a much higher rate. The term “deaths of despair” refers to these suicides and also our higher rates of overdose deaths.
That is what men and boys often see and are told. It’s not the full truth.
Who Uses These Stats
There is an old Chris Rock bit that says only women, children, and dogs are loved unconditionally. Men are loved on the condition of what they provide. It’s a funny line that does have a bit of truth in it because that’s the way it feels. We provide at our jobs, our jobs show our worth, and our money shows our dedication.
We provide at home by being a present father who puts the happiness of our children above all. Many men work longer hours, spend less time at home, strictly to give our children a better life than we had.
We provide in a world where those dangerous jobs have to get done, wars sometimes DO have to be fought, and drugs have to be taken. Wait, no, not that last part. That doesn’t have to happen. But I use humor to mask my vulnerability, and that’s what I’ll get to in a moment.
Anyway, people like Andrew Tate, Donald Trump, and many others use these messages to say “hey, the world doesn’t care about you.” They prey on those that have been kicked when they have been down, fired, not gotten the girl, etc etc etc. They give young boys someone else to blame, and it’s a very attractive message. No one likes to take responsibility for their own mistakes, ironically one of the “traits” are often said men should have.
That message gets twisted even further with the notion that the only way you have worth is through the domination of others. It’s not enough for you to win, but someone has to lose and lose badly. They have to be embarrassed, blamed, and eviscerated. That’s how you feel like a “real man” and get taken seriously. This is where everything gets dangerous.
The Truth About Men’s Worth
We have been led to believe that our value as a man comes from external forces. That has been our greatest mistake. Our worth is not judged on our income or our ability to have children. It’s not based on Andrew Tate getting “bitches” and demeaning the opposite sex. Our worth is internal.
We have worth simply because we exist, the same as everyone else. When we take the debate of worth out of the framework of gender and replace it with people, it looks simple. People have worth. Men have worth, we just need to see it, and it’s difficult to do because that is not the message we send to boys and young men. We show them stories of gallantry and heroism. The tough guy gets the girl. The vulnerable guy, the one who doubts his own abilities, gets ridiculed. So, we protect our vulnerabilities because they are often used against us. We become ½ of what we are meant to be. Our worth becomes a commodity to be used by others for their own benefit and not ours.
I can’t believe I’m saying this, we need to be a little selfish. We need to internalize our worth.
My worth is not tied to what I provide to others. My masculinity is not contingent on the job I have, the money I make, or the number of children that I have. My worth is based on what I think it is, and that means if I’m proud of the man that looks back at me in the mirror.
Am I empathetic to others? Am I willing to take responsibility for myself and my actions first? Did I stand up for those who needed me to? When I give part of myself, is it for something that I believe in? Those are the questions that I ask myself. And if the answer is no, then I take steps to correct it. That is what masculinity is based on. My worth is not based on what others think of me.
I know that’s a pie-in-the-sky solution, but that doesn’t make it any less true. To change requires confidence which can be difficult to come by. It comes from hard-won experience. Past failures define that confidence. I lost yesterday. I will probably lose today. But I will make it until tomorrow.
Our masculinity can’t be “taken” from us. We are not “disposable.” When we listen to those that say we are, that is the problem. Many in the “manosphere” have convinced us that we are disposable. Toxic people, women included, attempt to manipulate our belief system for their own benefit. The patriarchy survives on promoting the belief that our worth only matters if we are not people, and instead a gender that can be used for the powers of others.
Brothers, take your own power back (to borrow a phrase.). You cannot be thrown away like a piece of trash because you have value in your very existence. So much so that there is no longer any need to debate whether you’re masculine or not. You are simply because you believe you are.