Vulnerability That is Weaponized Against Boys and Men.
To be openly vulnerable, to let the softer sides of ourselves out as men, often results in ridicule.
During the Democratic National Convention, Gus Walz, son of Vice-Presidential candidate Tim Walz, rose from his seat and gave an emotional cheer when his dad took the podium. With tears streaming down his face, his pride in his father was evident. Soon after, the world watched in real-time as many people took to social media to mock him for that show of emotion. Many of our sons witnessed exactly what happens when young boys and men show that level of vulnerability. Gus’s pride in his father was weaponized against him, and it's a lesson that our sons have learned repeatedly.
To be openly vulnerable, to let the softer sides of ourselves out as men, often results in ridicule. It’s a lesson that begins on the playground in elementary school and continues through our lives. By the time many of us are teens, we have learned to hide those emotions, and we carry that same behavior into adulthood. This is the “boy culture” that frames the reactions to Gus Walz.
This boy culture “mocks our soft sides by calling them girly, gay, and lame,” says Dr. Niobe Way. Dr. Way has spent four decades researching boy culture and is the author of the book Rebels with a Cause: Reimaging Boys, Ourselves, and Our Culture.
What Boys Learn as Teenagers
“What my mixed method research tells us is that boys resist revealing any soft emotions, including vulnerability or emotional sensitivity,” Dr. Way states. “Boy culture values “hard” sides of our humanity such as stoicism, autonomy, and control, over “soft” sides such as vulnerability, sensitivity, and relationships.”
Our culture takes the softer sides of men and paints those who express anything other than stoicism as weak. It has gotten to the point that even showing pride in our fathers publicly is unacceptable for men. There are real-world consequences to these actions.
“Emotions, including vulnerability, is a human one that are necessary to form relationships with others. Thus, if boys and young men are mocked for their vulnerability and thus go underground with their "soft" sides, they are going to find it virtually impossible to form healthy and mutually supportive relationships with anyone.”
It’s in the teenage years, according to Dr. Way, that our boys begin to hide their emotions. The roots of the male loneliness epidemic are right there for everyone to see. As reported before, men have a higher suicide rate and the word that comes up often in their suicide notes is worthless. If we are unable to make those connections that can shoulder the burdens of fatherhood with us, then the consequences can be severe. We need to show our sons and fathers that they are not worthless. To do that, we must cheer for them without reservation.
How Do We Begin to Support Our Sons and Fathers
I know what it is like to be in awe of a father. My dad ran away from an abusive home at 13, lived on the streets, left high school without a diploma, and eventually joined the army where he was sent to Vietnam. There, he contracted malaria. When he returned home, he was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.
It was then that my father fought for his future. He obtained his GED, got a degree from the University of Arkansas, and married my mother. But more impressively, he broke the cycle of abuse that he suffered in East Texas. My parents were married for 40 years and to say that I’m full of pride for my father’s accomplishments is an understatement.
However, I rarely write about my father because when I do, I become emotional. My words embarrass me, and I feel exposed to the world. It’s that fear of vulnerability that is difficult to overcome even as an older man. Will I appear weak? I want to know how to be as strong as Gus Walz. How do we start to change this?
“We must normalize their "soft" sides and make it clear that all humans think and feel, want autonomy and connection, want to be able to be vulnerable and stoic at times, Thinking is not masculine, and feeling is not feminine. Thinking and feeling are human and essential to survive let alone thrive,” says Dr. Way.
To embrace both the hard and soft sides of us is the goal, but it’s hard to attain. People seem quick to condemn and slow to praise our young men. It’s the culture that many of us have grown up with where crying was often met with being ostracized.
Dr. Way states “We have to change the culture so that it better aligns with our nature and the way we change the culture is by first recognizing that it's a cultural problem and not simply a group or individual problem.”
As an at-home dad for many years, I have had some of the same ridicule that has been heaped on Gus. I’ve been called weird and a sissy when I’ve taken care of my children. Somehow, caregiving has been assigned as a feminine trait. To love is not to be masculine, and to change a diaper is weak. Those soft sides of myself have become points of attack for unknown reasons. That is the culture that we all have grown up in.
To be clear, this is not about a political party or the current election. It’s simply about providing an environment where our sons can become holistic and not divided so that when they grow up, they can make the deep connections that will sustain them throughout their journeys. We as a culture must encourage our sons, and daughters, to embrace the full range of emotions within them.
Because the sons that we embrace now will become the fathers who will stand in a crowd and cry when their boys accomplish their goals.
Well said!