At-Home Dads Have The Same Complaints as At-Home Moms.
Does that mean that working mothers are incompetent parents?
Dirty dishes, laundry that is stacked up to the ceiling, and a ballet class that requires you to spend 500 bucks on costumes and equipment. What equipment do you need for a freaking ballet class? Well, shoes, and then probably a jock strap because dance is a sport, and all athletes need a cup.
It’s a lot for the at-home parent to take on. Day in and day out for years. And when you do, it’s very easy to lose yourself. You suddenly become defined by the quality of your cucumber snacks during playgroup.
One of the chief complaints right now is that dad doesn’t help enough to ease the load of parenting. Of taking on sick days at a child’s school, helping with housework, or taking on a task to completion. And as many moms are the primary caregivers of their kids, and dominate the at-home parent world, it’s a valid complaint.
Except it’s based on gender, mom vs. dad, and it shouldn’t be. This is where it goes wrong, at least in the at-home parent world.
Stay-at-home dads have the exact same complaints as at-home moms, but that is often overlooked as an aberration. No, it can’t be the same because what does the at-home dad have to complain about? I’m telling you, the same god damn things.
I’ve been an at-home dad for the last 16 years. I am a member of numerous dad organizations that get together regularly. And although we rarely spend any time complaining about our significant others (it truly is hardly ever done), when we do bring up our concerns, it’s the same as moms.
I can’t go grocery shopping with my wife. She gets the routine all wrong and starts in the vegetable aisle. Totally backward. And her shopping list is not grouped by sections but by dinners. So, you have to bounce back and forth between the dairy aisle and the canned goods. Totally messes me up and drives me crazy. And often she gets the wrong brand or misses something else entirely. Something that I think should be common sense.
Does that sound familiar to at-home moms? Of course, it does, because it’s often posted online how dads fuck this chore up. What about dishes after dinner? I just want them done. I’m tired of standing all day. Or how about organizing a playdate on the weekend? Why does it always have to be me (well, it’s not in my marriage, but we’ll get to that.)
The point is, it’s not a mom or dad issue. It’s a primary caregiver issue. That’s what we are missing in this debate about the mental load of parenting. Instead, we turn it into that dads aren’t doing enough. This is where things start to rub me the wrong way.
First, it should be noted that when both parents work, yes, it is moms who typically take on a lot of the mental load. That’s not a debatable topic for me because the statistics do prove it. But again we are missing nuance in the statistics. Yes, more dads should be involved in the day-to-day care of children and home. As a stay-at-home dad, I agree with this. But we are failing to ask why this is and instead portray many hardworking fathers as completely checked out from the family to the point that it seems that many don’t even care about our kids. For me, this is where everything starts to cross the line.
“They always trash the minivan. Like garbage all over it.”
“Just cook one dinner. That’s all I want.”
“Please let me sleep in one day a week.”
These are all the complaints I’ve heard from stay-at-home dads. But if I presented them without that caveat, it would appear that moms were talking about dads. If I followed the current trend of blaming, through my own observations and talking to other at-home dads, it would appear that working moms are incapable of providing any care. They are goofballs that are the comedic relief of parenting. Cute, but worthless. And every article would start with “My wife is a great mom, but she can’t even pick up a towel off the floor. Why are all moms so worthless?”
That’s ridiculous and insulting. That’s the way a lot of dads feel. Many of us, working dads and at-home dads, are giving it our all. We don’t want to be cheered at the grocery store. Honestly, we just want people out of our way because we have to get shit done.
This is not a mom and dad issue as much as it is the primary caregiver issue. Of course, my wife isn’t going to shop the way I do. She isn’t going to remember the day-to-day things that I need to get done for the children. At no point today while she is at work will she realize that she needs to check a school grade because there was a math test two weeks ago and I need to see how my kid did.
None of this means she is an incompetent mother. She’s a fantastic mother, and there is no “but” coming. Her head is not in it every day like mine is. When she’s present, she WILL do things differently than me, and that is completely ok. There is no need to tell her she’s doing it wrong. She’s doing what works for her. And if I’m smart, I will shut the hell up and support her rather than criticize an entire gender because it doesn’t meet my arbitrary standards.
Instead, I will celebrate the fact that she does both parenting duties and financial caregiving duties. I will be her biggest supporter. And I won’t vilify working moms.
Lisa Selin Davis has a new book out called Housewife. Why Women Still Do It All and What To Do Instead. And in that book, Lisa brings all this up. It shocked me because it was the first time I had ever seen it. In a book about being a housewife, she brings up the at-home dad and how they have many of the same problems.
There is even a scene in the book where she chastises herself because her husband is doing a chore, giving her to time take a bath by herself, and she is upset that it’s not “her way.” Believe it or not, I connected with that.
There is another term called mom gatekeeping. I saw it a lot when I was at the parks and library story times. And in my world, we can change that to dad gatekeeping. The truth is, when you’re the primary caregiver, it’s tough to see outside of your own box.
We need to try, and instead of vilifying each other, moms vs. dads, we need to find ways to make it possible for us to be more equitable. To do that, we have to begin to see the issues that men and dads have, instead of ignoring those issues.
We can’t have change without it.
Shannnnnnnnnnooooonnnnnnnn!!! THANK YOU for this! And you are so right. (Dad's don't want to be cheered at the grocery stores almost made me tear up.) It is a primary caregiver issue.